The return to Denton last night produced a bitter-sweet reception from me. Winter Break served it's primary function just as its title denotes - a break from the harsh realities of living independently. I haven't had the opportunity to transcribe all the mishaps I fell into my previous three months in Denton in my blog but I can assure you that walking through my front door only to witness a full psychological breakdown taking place, sitting on the hood of a Nisan Altima going about 65-mph up a residential road and spending 12-hours in city jail alongside a man pleading a felony automobile theft charge to me THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT one, isn't the best way to end a semester and two, isn't a memory you want clinging to you at the beginning of the next.
Regardless of the lingering cobwebs I'm attempting to shake off upon my return, commencing the break will allow me to attempt to effectively reestablish a grip on my life. This means finding employment (-___-), finding an adequate living space for me and my boy Devlon, maintaining the chapter of our shared community organization and recording more tracks while looking for open opportunities to perform - all of these which, are second only to maintaining good standing in school.
Ugh, something about expressing that last statement made me hold my breath.
Of course it means the world to me that I'm finally surrounded by my crew again. The warmth that seemed to envelop me when I was reunited with Devlon, John and Tiny was incomparable to any feeling I've experienced in recent times, matched only by the feeling the company of my Lioness produces. I love these kids so much and they understand my hustle like no one else does. There are few people in the world who can truly comprehend how success-hungry I am and even fewer seek to. I fuck with those who seek.
I miss Desiré a lot. I barely got to communicate with her today and that is a huge and sudden shift from the norm established during break - that being we begin and end everyday with each other and rendezvous at various points in between. I hope things continue to go well for us. She's on such a defined path right now. I mean, of course we all have our loose ends that occasionally need maintenance but she's on her way to graduating, has a steady job and is actively seeking another and plays a big role in her sorority. Sometimes I feel a bit inadequate, because in most aspects, the strong cord she's weaved with her life makes mine look awfully frayed and weak. I admire that about her but it worries me that if I don't match the successes she's met as we progress as each other's counterpart, that she'll grow tired of my struggles and fallacies and find a better match elsewhere - someone closer and probably more refined than the mutt she's with. This, is one of my many motivations to get my shit together, I guess, to remain fit for someone as fastidious as Desi.
I've always been the underdog in a sense. I skated by in high school with as minimal tangible hard work as possible. I've always felt like my contribution to any circle is beyond black and white. I express, share and create more than I've ever physically produce and I guess that's the next step. I refuse to skate by on potential even if there were an avenue in life that allowed such a gesture. That's cheating. I have so many paths in front of me that would allow me to see the triumphs I dream of but it takes literal hard work to attain them, something that, up until this point, I didn't have to utilize because of my existential work. Now it takes a little more than to just be there, success requires a little more dirt under my nails. A little more than I've put out in the past and a little more than the required average because I expect so much from my existence.
Am I rambling?
I guess this entry is more an introduction into this phase of my life. Throughout the break I've been dealing with the bitter realities of adulthood and the occasional stabs inflicted by past misfortunes and now that I'm back on my own and in the position to stand fully erect, I can begin the long task of rebuilding. This may not make sense to anyone reading it and for that I apologize but will not seek to clarify because I know what the hell I'm talking about. lol
my girlfriend is IM'ing me dirty things by the way. ;)
Just because real life has kicked back into gear doesn't mean I will dedicate less time to posting, however (not that anyone cares). Unsung is an extension of me. If these pages (along with few other social media that I subscribe to: @_bornfree, refayabornfree.tumblr.com, etc.) don't express how I feel, then it's because my feelings have gone unexpressed. I use this blog along with twitter, tumblr and my facebook artist page occasionally, I don't know, as a sort of therapy I guess. Every tangible moment with people isn't an opportunity to freely express the intricacies of how I feel - not even with my crew. We bullshit around, talk noise and share ideas and thoughts but it isn't everyday that we immerse ourselves in the thoroughness of the paths our minds lead us at the commencement of the day's objectives.
A slice from Crooked Crust sounds really good right now for some strange reason
Musically, if you haven't been keeping up with my tweets or youtube account, then you probably don't know that some lineup changes have been made to my release schedule. No longer will The Resistance and Bullet be the second and third singles, respectively. The order has changed in an attempt to accomodate an issue that has been pressing against me for some time now, therefore, the single following Heart will be a project entitled, Speak Up. I'll post another installment of Behind The Lines in order to inform you to what specifically inspired both the song and change of priority.
Well, I guess I'm done here. I don't know what purpose this post served other that to just provide an update as to my current condition and objectives. I felt like I needed it though. Everything here doesn't have to mean much, sometimes I just like to remind myself that I'm human. Don't you?
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